I've been holding this back for a few days, a little hesitant to share...

The past couple of weeks have been, well, difficult. Not because of stuff or because of opposition, but because of my persistent enemy: depression. (I am under medical care for this malady...but even the best med's have some issues...) I long for the passion I remember being rekindled at the NWBC Student Conference back in early May. I came home from that conference hungry and striving to know God more deeply. Now, the passion seems to have burned out. The every day tasks of ministry are wearing me thin and rarely do I have a sense of God's power and presence. I read His Word, pray, journal, meet with believing friends, and all the things I know to do. I also know that this too shall pass...but boy, while I wait, it sure gets hard.

Now, I'm not complaining, well, maybe just a bit. I really don't want sympathy (although there was a time before I was diagnosed that I DID want the sympathy...) Now I just want to be used by God in a powerful potent way. I attended a wedding today of a young man that I've known for about 10 or 12 years. He grew up in a strong Christian home- but after high school he choose to walk after the world. Though he and his family attended a church in another town, we would often see the young man's parents and listen to their heartbreak. But, he has come back to God's purpose and presence. He met a wonderful Christian young lady and today they celebrated what God has done in marriage. What struck me about this ceremony- that I don't often see or hear- is a deep passion for God that underlies their deep passion for one another. Many of the weddings I do are for lost and unchurched- hoping to minister and communicate some of my passion in the process. But I confess, sometimes my passion is make believe- and maybe, just maybe, that is why there is so little evangelistic harvest in my ministry.

Well, this may not fit your picture of who I am. You may think that as a pastor I have it all together...I remember about 16 years ago a group of people tried to run me off because I shared with them some of my personal struggle...they believed that a pastor should have it all together all the time. They eventually all left our church...and I stayed and God has blessed.

Well, that's off my heart- and a few days later I do sense a renewal of hope and joy. For me the key to battling the fog of depression is to just do one thing at a time, and to do what I know needs to be done. Someone once saw my office for the first time and asked if I was ADD or ADHD....I'm not sure which diagnoses might fit. But, the healing that occurs happens when I do that one thing...forgetting the past and pressing forward into all that God has for me!

If you've read this far, let me say- Thanks for hanging with me!
Steve